കോലാഹലം

Today, it's a whole lot of phantoms around me. People who were stripped off their lives when they were going through important stages in their lives... I am deep packed in a slimy shell, which however hard I try, refuses to break. I wish I could tell someone I am wriggling inside, trying desperately to come out...But not even my sound comes out. I wish someone might come and break this for the time being. But soon I change my mind, lest they get frightened by the quagmire I am standing on. That great man smiles in front of me, he wants me to cheer up and he always wanted me to. But when I look at his smile, the day that smile is going to fade frightens me. He knows he is being eaten up by his own cells, and he is readying himself for a happy departure... I wish for that miracle one of my friends were talking about. That same miracle which when combined with the invincible will of a man, enabled her father to stand up from bed and smile... I wish I could see that miracle since I can...

Someone is out there in rain Why are you getting yourself drenched? Get inside, I said. But he didn’t respond. May be there is a storm inside him May be its a mundane bondage that hurts him Anyway, out there in rain, In the darkest hour of night, He is drenching himself. There is lightning outside In the momentary flash of the firmament, I could see the silhouette of the man, who refused to be away from the rain. “Why do you let him to wet? Why making him wait in the rain for the doors to be opened?, somebody asks from darkness “The doors are open, I replied. No response Another lightning flash It was shocking to see the face of the drenched man this time He was myself Now let me utter Yes, the doors are not open And they never have been...

പൊതുവേ സമൂഹത്തില്‍ ഇകഴ്ത്തപ്പെടുന്ന ഒരു സംഗതിയാണ് അഹങ്കാരം. ഒരാള്‍ അല്പം തന്നിഷ്ടം കാണിച്ചാല്‍, മറ്റുള്ളവരുടെ വാക്കിനു വേണ്ടത്ര പ്രാധാന്യം കൊടുക്കാതിരുന്നാല്‍, അല്പം കൂടുതല്‍ ആത്മവിശ്വാസം പ്രകടിപ്പിച്ചാല്‍ ...അങ്ങനെ പലപ്പോഴും സമൂഹം അവനെ 'അഹങ്കാരി' എന്ന് വിളിച്ചു കുറ്റപ്പെടുത്താറണ്ട് . പക്ഷെ ഒരാള്‍ അഹങ്കാരിയായാല്‍ അത് സത്യത്തില്‍ മറ്റുള്ളവരെ ബാധിക്കാറുണ്ടോ? അപൂര്‍വ്വം ചില സന്ദര്‍ഭങ്ങളില്‍ ഒഴിച്ചാല്‍ ഒരാളുടെ അഹങ്കാരം അയാളെ അല്ലാതെ മറ്റാരെയും ഉപദ്രവിക്കാറില്ല. 'pride goes before a fall' എന്ന ആംഗല പഴഞ്ചൊല്ല് അഹങ്കാരിയുടെ 'fall' നെ പറ്റിയാണ് പറയുന്നത്. അങ്ങനെയെങ്കില്‍ സമൂഹം എന്തിനാണ് അവനെ വെറുക്കുന്നത്? അവനോട് സഹതാപമല്ലേ കാണിക്കേണ്ടത്? സത്യത്തില്‍ നാം ഒരു അഹങ്കാരിയെ വെറുക്കുന്നത് അവന്‍ അഹങ്കാരിയായതുകൊണ്ടല്ല. മറിച്ച് അവന്റെ അഹങ്കാരത്തെ നാം നമ്മുടെ അഹങ്കാരത്തോടുള്ള വെല്ലുവിളിയായി കാണുന്നത് കൊണ്ടാണ്. അവനോടു തോന്നുന്ന ഈര്‍ഷ്യ, അഹങ്കാരം എന്ന ദുര്‍ഗുണത്തോട്‌ നമ്മിലെ സദ്ഗുണം കാണിക്കുന്ന പ്രതികരണം അല്ല. മറിച്ച് അവനിലെയും നമ്മിലെയും അഹങ്കാരങ്ങള്‍ തമ്മിലുള്ള വികര്‍ഷണം ആണത്. ഞാ...

There were many situations in my life where I thought I am urgently in need of a total reformation of my character. In many of them I even tried to be a different person, with new attitudes, new behaviors, new outlooks etc. But I realized later that there are limits up to which one can change. A person who talks a lot can become one who never talk. But he can never become a man who speaks only moderately. Human mind stays in extremes, that I am well convinced. An important thing which I realized, used to advise myself and now I use here to advise those who wish to change themselves is this: The people who love you, love you because of the way you are now. You want to change means either you want more people to like you or you want you to like yourself. I don't think it will work. If you took this many years to make this many people who like you now, how long will it take to collect this many people who like the 'new you'? Moreover, when you are trying to be someone who you ...

He visits my thoughts sometimes... It was a usual evening in the park for others. For me it was just a day away from home, when I was asked to accompany a friend to the park who when that particular girl called, left me in that corner and dived into the earphone of his mobile phone. It was in that lonely moment of boredom, he caught my attention. He was sitting there, curiously watching the playing kids around. When I looked at him, he gave me a smile. It was such a peculiar smile that it made me sit beside him. We had some formal conversation. But somehow I asked him that question, "Is there anything that haunts you?". He stopped for a moment and gave that beautiful smile again. Then he told me a few stories that he never got a chance to tell, despite being a story teller. He told me everyone liked him, but no one ever knew who he was. He was an active student in college days, an active person in his office and so everyone said he was a nice guy. But he always felt something...

Human life is full of conflicts most of them being unnoticed because we are so used to it. We are constantly acting against our own will. When I thought about this critically, I was no wondered to realize these conflicts I overlook. When you hear the morning alarm, you wish to stop it and your mind longs strongly to stay in bed. But you cannot for long and you ultimately wake up. Conflict number 1, your will wants to lie down and you wake up. When you come to your dining table, you may see Puttu. You want Dosai there, but still you eat Puttu. If you are a student, you have to wear the monotonous uniform despite your strong wish to get into your favorite outfit. When you reach your bus stop, you see your bus so tightly packed with people. You want to get into a rush less bus, but still you get into that rushy bus...So it goes...We are constantly neglecting the strong wills of our mind. And so we are full of conflicts...

Its sometimes very  hard to be alone, pondering on the past, present or per'aps the future. When I am engaged, busy doing things after things...it is comparatively a good time although it tires me physically. Also physical fatigue gives me a good sleep at night, a calm sleep with no haunting dreams.But when I am not busy, having nothing to do than to walk along the shore of thoughts...they haunt me often. Things I liked but lost, people I loved but died, times that I enjoyed but passed... they begin to haunt me. When I have people around who can bear me or even manage to like me, I can fight these meandering flow of thoughts by home-made blunt jokes or irritating pranks. But it still remains a mystery why I like to be alone... May be I am that much off-track a guy.